| In the midst of the pain of divorce,
blaming our ex-spouse for the failure of the marriage is a tempting and convenient
defense. As we struggle with devastating loss, and try to regain our balance through the
many changes that rock us, blaming protects us from the further pain of recognizing our
own dysfunction, our own role in the miserable mess. Divorce is not for cowards. It takes
great courage to face the realities and to grow, perhaps even blossom, as a result of the
divorce experience. Like the Phoenix, we can rise from the ashes of our marriage and
spread our wings as a renewed and stronger being. One area that is helpful to examine is the way power was used in the old marriage. Often, we will re-create such patterns in dating, work and friendship relationships as well, so that correcting unhealthy power use will yield immediate benefits. Power plays are manipulative behaviors that keep two people on an unequal basis. The myth underlying power plays is based on the belief that people with power have control and can get what they want and need. Controlling people think there is not enough power for two. One person must maintain control. This attitude can often be traced to childhood, when parents disciplined by overpowering the child through physical punishment, threats, bribes and demands. Children who are guided to recognize that others have needs, too, can learn to cooperate. They can learn that sharing power creates communication, love, and support. Those of us who did not acquire this lesson as a child are likely to have used power plays in our marriage and to have sabotaged the relationship in this way. People who attempt to control others avoid dealing with their own private fears, insecurities, and doubts because they always have someone who is less OK to focus on. The victim sees benefits, too. Allowing oneself to be controlled keeps the other person around. Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately!) at some point, this partner is no longer willing to be controlled. Divorce is often the result. How can you recognize power plays? Listen to yourself. Are you prone to giving advice but not accepting it? Trying to get even or to diminish the self-esteem or power of others? Making, then breaking, promises? Making decisions for the other person, discounting their ability to solve problems? Attempting to change the other person but being unwilling to change yourself? Attacking the other where they are most vulnerable? Needing to win or be right? Having difficulty admitting mistakes or saying "I'm sorry"? Giving indirect, evasive answers to questions? Showing grudge-holding or self-righteous anger? Smothering, over nurturing the other? All of these, and many more, attempt to control and manipulate the other person. If we choose to withdraw from power plays, we must acknowledge that they are real and identify the ones we use most often. We need to find other ways to deal with our feelings of insecurity and fear. In other words, we need a sense of confidence in ourselves and an increased self-esteem. There are many good self-help books available in large bookstores and libraries to assist in this task. Outpatient therapy has been a catalyst to growth for many people. Most of all, we need a fundamental belief that mutual respect is a vital goal in any relationship. A move toward equal personal power is a move toward a healthier partnership. |
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