"Thalia's Thoughts...
About Parenting in Divorce"

is a monthly e-newsletter for parents who are separated or divorced. The goal is to reduce stress and damage for children who are experiencing this difficult transition in their lives. It has been published for over seven years by Thalia Ferenc, LMSW, as a community service. There are no fees, no spam, no obligation. Your free subscription can be canceled at any time. 

To subscribe, simply contact Thalia  at thalias.thoughts@yahoo.com

Below are some sample articles that have been included in the newsletter in the past.
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Transition Times Can Be Tough for Kids

Transitions between homes are often difficult for children of divorce. They may feel sadness and loneliness at leaving one parent at the same time they feel excitement and anticipation about seeing the other. There may be unusual behavior before or after moving from one home to the other. The child may seem anxious, or very quiet or act badly. These reactions to the change do not mean that one or the other parent is harming the child during the visit. Transitional behaviors may simply be a reaction to change and do not necessarily mean that parenting time arrangements need to be altered.

Susan Boyan and Ann Marie Termini in their book, The Psychotherapist As Parent Coordinator, offer strategies to reduce the tension for children at exchange times: “Prior to Transfers: establish and maintain a routine that includes parent-child interaction such as reading a book or watching a short video. Pack a comfort bag which includes some of the child’s favorite possessions such as a blanket or stuffed animal if the child is young or a photo album if the child is older. Pack medication, if needed, with instructions on how it is to be administered.

“At Transfers: arrive on time to ensure prompt drop-offs and pick-ups. Establish a ‘goodbye ritual’ such as giving the child two kisses and a hug before transfers. Keep transfers brief and do not get into discussions with the co-parent.

“Upon the Child’s Return: start and continue a ‘hello ritual’ once the child has unwound from his or her arrival. Allow the child to spend quiet time in his or her room or other area of the home if he or she chooses. Honor the child’s preference  to talk or not to talk about the time spent with the other parent.”  

Sometimes, parents who do not value their child’s well-being deliberately sabotage transitions. They may arrive too early or too late for the transfer, create painful goodbyes by being emotional and anxious about the child leaving, carry a child who can walk to the exchange so that they must be "torn" from their arms by the other parent, make alienating comments or verbally abuse the co-parent in front of the child, use negative body language or gestures, or audio or video tape transfers, which generates fear in the child that something terrible is happening.

Under such conditions, parent to parent exchanges should be avoided. Perhaps a grandparent or other relative can serve as a drop off and pick up site, or school or a day care facility can be used as a transition, with one parent dropping off there before school and the other picking up after school. If this is not feasible, a neutral place should be used, such as a fast food restaurant or other public location. These techniques may also be needed if the child is having difficulty leaving one or both parents or is refusing to go on parenting time with one parent. Ambivalence and discomfort with transitions is often the cause of these behaviors. With both co-parents’ support, transfers can become easier for your child.
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Who Owns the Turf at Kids' Activities?

Question: I am the father of a ten year old boy. He started swim team this year and requested that I attend his meets. I attended the first one yesterday. However, my ex-wife's new husband is there and his behavior is juvenile and territorial, just short of grunting and marking his turf. This behavior has a history in that I am not allowed to pick the children up at my ex-wife’s new house. Should I continue for the benefit of the child or does it really have an impact? Or should I start another organized sport activity with my child and do that exclusive of the ex-wife’s new family unit?

Thalia’s Answer:  I understand it is uncomfortable and difficult for you to attend your son's meets with this behavior from his stepfather, but, please, attend anyway. I constantly hear from adults in therapy who are still hurt because their father did not attend their sports events. It matters a lot to kids.

Could you talk to your son's mother about this situation? Avoid blaming, but ask for there to be some rules around the behavior at such events. Possibilities might include: you will sit some distance apart, you will not speak to each other, glaring and making faces is out. This sounds pretty basic, and like rules for children, but that is how her husband is behaving. The motivator has to be that it is best for the child. You can bet your son is noticing how his Dad and stepdad are acting, and is feeling something as a result. Probably anxious, afraid (that it will get worse and maybe end in a fight), guilty (it’s his activity that's causing it) and no doubt embarrassed.

You might consider purchasing two copies of Constance Ahrons book The Good Divorce and giving one to your ex-wife. Be sure to let her know you got one for yourself, too, so they don't think you are moralizing and pointing fingers. Ask her to start over so that your child doesn't have to be damaged by post-divorce tension. It will be an investment in his future.
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 Avoid Conflict To Protect Children

Divorce is painful and often damaging to children. As parents, we want to protect our children from any harm, and yet, here we are, stuck in the very thing that hurts them.  Fortunately, there are ways to minimize the injury, if we are willing to make the effort. Research tells us that the most destructive aspect of divorce for kids is continuing conflict between the parents. I know, I know…if you could have gotten along well enough not to have conflict, you might still be married to each other.

M. Gary Neuman, writing in Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way offers constructive techniques to improve your chances. He points out the importance of preparation when discussing an issue with your ex. Make an “appointment” to talk at a time that is convenient for both of you. Resolve not to use emotional language or accusations. Use notes of the major points you want to make, so the conversation doesn’t get off course. Try to stick to facts, leaving emotion out of it. (Of course, you have feelings, but this is not the time to display them.) Stay focused on solving the problem, not “winning” by being right or extracting an apology.

State the problem without criticism. You may be perfectly correct that your spouse’s neglect of homework on the weekends your child is with him or her is the cause of bad grades. However, blaming and anger will result in defensive excuses, not a change in behavior. “We have a problem,” works much better. Suddenly, you and your ex are on the same side and the problem is the enemy.

Acknowledge that you might not necessarily be right, even if you think you are. Compliment your ex-spouse’s efforts whenever you can. This will keep the communication lines open by preventing everything you say from being negative.

There’s much more in Neuman’s book, a good read for any parent who is divorced or separated. M. Gary Neuman is a licensed mental-health counselor, a Florida Supreme Court-certified mediator, a rabbi, and the creator of the nationally recognized Sandcastles program for children of divorce. His work has been featured on National Public Radio, Dateline, the Today show, Good Morning America, Oprah and elsewhere.