"Thalia's Thoughts...
About Parenting in Divorce"

is a monthly e-newsletter for parents who are separated or divorced. The goal is to reduce stress and damage for children who are experiencing this difficult transition in their lives. It has been published for over nine years by Thalia Ferenc,  LMSW,  as a community service. There are no fees,  no spam,  no obligation. Your free subscription can be canceled at any time. 

To subscribe,  simply contact Thalia  at  thalias.thoughts@yahoo.com

Below are some sample articles 
that have been included in the newsletter in the past.
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Golden Nuggets of Information Await Parents

Amid the vast stream bed of information available on the Web today, some golden nuggets are waiting for discovery by parents who are divorced or separated. The following links are the property and opinions of the various authors and organizations which posted them.  (In other words,  don’t blame me if you find something you don’t think is helpful.)   Just like the prospectors,  you’ll need to get out your pan and try sifting through some of these…  

ShareKids.com is a co-parenting system designed to assist individuals in managing child sharing between homes. This tool facilitates planning for the welfare of the children. It also minimizes stressful discussions and possible confrontations between parents who are divorced or separated. It keeps track of children’s physicians,  medications,  medical records,  insurance information. Event tracking assures both parents (and children) are aware of activities such as scheduled vacations,  school events,  music lessons and sports. School,  classroom and teacher information with phone numbers and e-mail addresses are available at the click of a button. Personal e-mail addresses remain concealed while documenting communications between parties. There’s lots more. Cost is $10 a month.

“Responsible Divorce: Making divorce gentler on children and families” is a free e-book with many articles to help,  including a few I wrote.

An interactive game for children: “IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY?”  “There are a lot of changes that come up when parents get divorced. Sometimes kids worry about these things. There are some changes that are really for parents to worry about. They are not a kid's responsibility.”

Bonus Families® is the only international non-profit organization dedicated to promoting peaceful coexistence between divorced or separated parents and their combined families. Many good articles such as “Kids as the Go-Between”,  “Peaceful Decision Making”,  “Should We Celebrate Together?”,  “Help with Visitation”. If you have teens,  they may be interested in the Bonus Teens Department. It's a forum for teens to talk to other teens in order to find solutions to the problems they face when their parents' break-up or possibly get involved with someone new.

And here is a listing and description of some children’s books about divorce. Reading these together is a great way to raise and answer issues with which your child may be wrestling.

Links embedded in this newsletter do not imply affiliation or responsibility for content on these sites.

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Who Owns the Turf at Kids'Sporting Events?

Question: I am the father of a ten year old boy. He started swim team this year and requested that I attend his meets. I attended the first one yesterday. However, my ex-wife's new husband is there and his behavior is juvenile and territorial, just short of grunting and marking his turf. This behavior has a history in that I am not allowed to pick the children up at my ex-wife’s new house. Should I continue for the benefit of the child or does it really have an impact? Or should I start another organized sport activity with my child and do that exclusive of the ex-wife’s new family unit?

Thalia’s Answer:  I understand it is uncomfortable and difficult for you to attend your son's meets with this behavior from his stepfather, but, please, attend anyway. I constantly hear from adults in therapy who are still hurt because their father did not attend their sports events. It matters a lot to kids.

Could you talk to your son's mother about this situation? Avoid blaming, but ask for there to be some rules around the behavior at such events. Possibilities might include: you will sit some distance apart, you will not speak to each other, glaring and making faces is out. This sounds pretty basic, and like rules for children, but that is how her husband is behaving. The motivator has to be that it is best for the child. You can bet your son is noticing how his Dad and stepdad are acting, and is feeling something as a result. Probably anxious, afraid (that it will get worse and maybe end in a fight), guilty (it’s his activity that's causing it) and no doubt embarrassed.

You might consider purchasing two copies of Constance Ahrons book The Good Divorce and giving one to your ex-wife. Be sure to let her know you got one for yourself, too, so they don't think you are moralizing and pointing fingers. Ask her to start over so that your child doesn't have to be damaged by post-divorce tension. It will be an investment in his future.
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 Avoid Conflict To Protect Children

Divorce is painful and often damaging to children. As parents, we want to protect our children from any harm, and yet, here we are, stuck in the very thing that hurts them.  Fortunately, there are ways to minimize the injury, if we are willing to make the effort. Research tells us that the most destructive aspect of divorce for kids is continuing conflict between the parents. I know, I know…if you could have gotten along well enough not to have conflict, you might still be married to each other.

M. Gary Neuman, writing in Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way offers constructive techniques to improve your chances. He points out the importance of preparation when discussing an issue with your ex. Make an “appointment” to talk at a time that is convenient for both of you. Resolve not to use emotional language or accusations. Use notes of the major points you want to make, so the conversation doesn’t get off course. Try to stick to facts, leaving emotion out of it. (Of course, you have feelings, but this is not the time to display them.) Stay focused on solving the problem, not “winning” by being right or extracting an apology.

State the problem without criticism. You may be perfectly correct that your spouse’s neglect of homework on the weekends your child is with him or her is the cause of bad grades. However, blaming and anger will result in defensive excuses, not a change in behavior. “We have a problem,” works much better. Suddenly, you and your ex are on the same side and the problem is the enemy.

Acknowledge that you might not necessarily be right, even if you think you are. Compliment your ex-spouse’s efforts whenever you can. This will keep the communication lines open by preventing everything you say from being negative.

There’s much more in Neuman’s book, a good read for any parent who is divorced or separated. M. Gary Neuman is a licensed mental-health counselor, a Florida Supreme Court-certified mediator, a rabbi, and the creator of the nationally recognized Sandcastles program for children of divorce. His work has been featured on National Public Radio, Dateline, the Today show, Good Morning America, Oprah and elsewhere.